The Humble Gourmand

I feel that I have a very good relationship with beer. I make beer; beer makes me happy. I respect it; it respects me. Never, ever, would I do anything to lose that respect: drinking the bad stuff, drinking too much, throwing it away, etc. But on top of all those things (which I guess I must admit, I’ve done all three), there’s one thing I would never, EVER do to beer: steal it.

So, imagine my shock and chagrin when confronted by the beer manager at Whole Foods on P Street in Washington, DC, with this accusation: I’ve seen you here before, and don’t you remember what happened last time? No, sir. You had that Trader Joe’s bag full of my stolen beer. Honestly, sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and would you please stop pacing around me and look at me? You were in here and stole my beer. Sir, I haven’t been in for two or three months, and I definitely don’t remember that experience. I was browsing the beer because as a beer writer and buyer I would like to know what’s available and how it’s (over)priced. Well I’m going to be your personal shopper for the rest of your trip to make sure you don’t slip anything else in your bag. Uh, I think I’m leaving now…

Huh? Who is this guy and what’s his deal? The general manager, who I approach later, has already heard the beer manager’s side of the story, including the fact that “the guy [me] will probably be indignant about it.”

I respond: “It’s not true, I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong guy, and yes, I am very offended.” Now it’s his word versus mine, and obviously the manager is in a difficult position. The word of his employee, or of Brew, your innocent-looking hero. The beer guy leaves, adamant that I never come back to steal his precious, precious beer; I ask for both of their names; the manager obliges. Randy* is the gent behind the accusation. I tell the manager I’m going to leave and likely never come back. He apologizes. I tell him he can check my bag. He says, “No need.” I walk out, shaking mad. Randy, you can keep your beer; I don’t want it.

Follow-Up

I attempted to follow up with the store over the following weeks. I left countless messages for the general manager to get back in touch. I was put on hold every time I called, waiting for up to 20 minutes each time. I finally was able to talk to one of his assistants, who listened to my whole story. She asked me what I wanted to get from the situation, and I responded a simple apology from Randy. I felt wronged and wanted to have my name cleared so that I could return to Whole Foods and shop without being followed by staff. She said she would chat with Randy and the manager about the situation and be back in touch with me. This was promising!

The next day I heard back from her. She had spoken with Randy, who had told her the same tall tale he had told when I was in the store. She said an apology would be impossible – Whole Foods policy states that situations like mine should separate the worker from the patron, and therefore the best I could get would be an apology from management. She didn’t apologize, though, but simply explained that Randy had mishandled the situation. Whole Foods policy states that once an incident is over – for example, Brew-lookalike steals beer in May and is caught – no follow-up should be taken on the personal level. Randy should have referred the matter to management and not approached me personally. This tutorial in Whole Foods policy was interesting, to be certain, but not helpful – I didn’t even have an apology about the way the situation was handled, let alone one for the false accusation.

The assistant told me she would once again discuss the matter with the manager and would let me know if he had figured out a way to resolve it. She also welcomed me back to the store and assured me that if a similar situation occurred again, I should go directly to the manager. Why, I asked, would I return if there was the possibility of being accosted again? She did not respond. It has now been two months. I am not holding my breath for a more satisfactory answer.

Perhaps it’s unnecessary for me to still be dwelling on this. I feel strongly, though, that the staff at any store, especially a large corporation like Whole Foods, should be able to handle a situation like this in a mature, professional manner, and I would like it known that Whole Foods (on P Street, in Washington, DC) was unable to do so. I have not been back since the incident, and have encouraged my friends to do the same. Randy wronged me, and by extension, he wronged beer. He will see: a Brew boycott is a lifetime boycott. Never get in the way of my beer.

*Name not changed to reflect accuracy and full disclosure.

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